I saw an ambulance on the back of a tow truck the other day. If not a clever analogy for a current political issue, or even a morbid warning, it did tell me I needed to start writing my next journal. Because it sparked in me a feeling I hadn't quite tapped since 2006. A vested interest in the ironic.

In 2006, the me I liked died. I was no longer the kid who had a few insecurities, relatively zero social skills, and a half-baked batch of theories and a willingness to love. I liked people. I wanted to help people. I wanted to be a force for good.

Then people died. And I failed classes. And I reached out for friends, and fell short. And then I reached out for family, I again, fell short. So when I turned to religion, my metaphysical safety net, it, too, failed. Then I sunk into depressing. But in a way I couldn't describe. There were no tears. Just anger, from time to time, and in incredible bursts. I saw red. I wanted to cause pain. I wanted everything done. I wanted to be dead. And when I broke down in front of my mother, we set up a date to see my childhood therapist - the one who talked me down from fits of rage when I was 7. We had an incredibly simple discussion. It was something that should have been had with a friend. And he was a friend. He specializes in ADHD. And Children. Being that I was neither, and he was willing to help me, that went above and beyond his specialty.

I felt tears on my face for the first time in weeks when I spoke with him. It was a chilly fall evening, and I felt relieved. I felt clean. And he helped me tear down one of the largest emotional stumbling blocks I'd encountered in years. The rest, I realized, could be helped with introspection and discussion. But that would come later.

So In the fall of 2006 I asked Cristina to a dance, and then, to become my girlfriend.
And that turned out less than spectacular. So what happened was I sunk back into a pit of depression. But this time, I talked. And I thought. And I made sure to keep from letting it ruin me. But I did change. I became cynical, less trusting, and I cared less about everyone else. I was learning life lessons on a crash course, and it was taking a toll. in 2007, I began looking to dramatically altar my future, so that I called the shots, and I determined the outcomes of future scenarios. But I fell into a false sense of security. And in the Fall of 08, I wasted my semester chasing a girl, and living a day-to-day vacation lifestyle. In the spring of 09 I fell into another low, and I began to live a more conservative life. Taking only what I could stand to take. Doing things that were relatively drama-free. I de-stressed. I grew to become happier.

And things were not better, necessarily, but they were easier. But I made a mistake, and I fell for another girl. And another. And another. Why?

Well when talking to my friend online, he mentioned that he has one of those "tired of being single" feelings. But he said he wasn't going to get into a relationship just to be in one. Which, is a valid concern. If the relationship is built on its own existence, then, it's likely to crumble once the good outweighs the bad. But then I began to think - Is that the only reason I'm so smitten by these women? Because I want to be in a relationship?

People have told me time and time again that the measure of a true attraction is whether or not you'd be willing to stay friends with him/her even after a relationship. Would I with Cat? Definitely. But I would with almost any other prospective girl, and I wouldn't be able to stand as a friend that long just for a physical attraction. I had a few moments where I got scared, when we would be together and I had nothing to say. I was afraid. "What if this is what it's like? What if we don't have anything in common? Would I ruin everything?" The answer came to me after a fair week of despair. Just because I can't make small talk doesn't mean I don't have a passion for her. I would love to hear the stories of her life - from her trip to Japan, to her latest work online, or even just her day to day life. And when we reach those awkward silences, I recently tested this theory of a doomed relationship. I let my mind idle. I just soaked in the silence acknowledging her presence near me. Just knowing on a basic level that she was comfortable around me, was enough to bring me a cheap high. It was the kind of feeling I hadn't had until 2006. Contention. Sure, I'd experienced elation several times before, but those were moments of sheer exuberance in the presence of comfort. But content? Hardly. Until recently.

The silence between myself and Ashley, however, is almost always uncomfortable. Her mind is always working, and if she's silent, she's seldom at her happiest. And my prodding into her thoughts usually leads to a satisfactory conversation or two, but in the end, she becomes a bit unhappy. It's much easier to get her talking about negative topics than everyday small-talk. And so were I to consider if I would be willing to be friends with her after a relationship? probably not. Any issues would be a living hell. I have to make sure to treat her like a goddess already. So why do I entertain the possibility for a relationship with Ashley? For the exact reason I shouldn't. She's someone I could get into a relationship with - for the sake of getting into a relationship.

And finally, there's the idea of simply going after someone I'm primarily interested in aesthetically. But that would be the entire reason to not go into a relationship - just dating. But that would be to put everything I've worked towards in either other relationship on hold, if not eliminate it entirely. I'm just letting my current ideas go to my head. The chances that I'd find someone I like based on appearance is so slim that the idea is wreckless. The part I like is that I would gain experience, which, while useful, is also something I will gain no matter what.

Lately, since my last update, I've been feeling more... attractive. More intelligent. It feels like happiness is more attainable. I haven't made any changes in my diet, it just feels like the cosmos has aligned to grant me a little bit of justice. I want to think I deserve it, but its my inclination to expect I'm being given an unfair advantage.

To explain: lately my flirting has been received and returned in kind. My preferred weather has prevailed. I have been without many large issues lately. When I spoke to a kid I met over the summer, I met someone who had a very similar personality to me. A potential protégé, if you will. And he was talking with me recently about how wonderful HIS life had been going. 4.0 GPA, Loving girlfriend, lots of extracurriculars he loved doing, etc. And I was thinking that he'd gotten something right. I was a bit jealous, to be honest.

On this previous monday, we had a meeting for our convention in Illinois. The sunday night beforehand, I took my sister and her friend to go see "9." As the credits start to roll, I get a phone call, from Cat. She's asking whether I can pick her and Ashley and a third member up to go to the meeting in Illinois. I'm torn, because I know I can, but I know that this won't occur without ripples. Ashley and the third party do not get along well, and so Ashley, I knew would decline the offer for a ride to the meeting. And the third party is not the most intriguing of characters. Needless to say, as happy as I was to be spending a number of hours in close proximity to Cat, this was a bit of a downer on the whole situation.

Nonetheless, Cat was genuinely happy to see me, and we waited for the third party patiently. I tried to force some small talk, and in better judgement, dropped that line of conversation fairly soon. We drove, and we arrived early for the meeting. So we had dinner at a Denny's, which had gone out of business in St. Louis. As we dined, the conversation picked up. We made our way to the meeting, and everyone seemed genuinely satisfied with the decisions made and discussions had. When we made our way back to St. Louis, the third party immediately plugged in her own headphones and listened to her iPod, so I relinquished control of my stereo to Cat. She found The Pillows on my mp3 player, and so she selected them. A japanese band for a japanese fan. She sang along in the backseat, and her happiness was infectious. After dropping off the ungrateful third party at her residence, Cat climbed into the front seat, and I made my way to her house. There was a notable elevation in the mood in the car between us. But, I figured it would end like always. I would make my closing remark, watch her make her way into her house, and drive home, already thinking of sleep. But not tonight. There was chemistry. And when we arrived at her house, we talked. For a good 20 minutes. Outside her house, in my car.

And it felt like the most obvious signal, if there was any, that I was supposed to make my move then or never. But I let her walk out of my car, and into her house - granted, this time there was a satisfying pain to it. We didn't want to separate. But we had to, out of necessity.

Today I spoke with the same kid who was telling me about how all was right - he was dumped. I can't help but feel that there's some balance to everything, and I'm beginning to reap the benefits. I'm close and closer to making a move on Cat. It's very real now. Very doable. When the time is right... Everything will be on the line.

So I cautiously walk the line, sure to avoid a wreckless pre-mature action, but careful not to let the moment slip. Things have to go right. I just know it.

But then what about the possibility, and high probability of succeeding with a lesser- known woman? There are several. Some of whom I hadn't really considered much more than an acquaintance. The cute-yet-sexy soon to be 17 year old was laying down the groundwork for me to flirt with her. She broke up with her boyfriend of several months, and as she made explicit reference to, she's been getting a lot of attention. She's enjoying it, and I'll continue to let her enjoy it. There's also the interesting and eccentric Evey who sings operatic and japanese songs. She dated a friend of mine once, but nothing came of it. She is fun to hang out with, and fairly attractive. Or perhaps the cute but shy girl in Poli. Sci? For that matter, there's also the pretty girl with glasses in Econ. All of these are bad ideas. Because I haven't so much as considered them beyond attractive women. There's no reason - and I have no reason - to consider their company soley based on appearance. That's shallow. Fun, but shallow.

Cat still makes me feel warm inside. It's not that she's pretty (to be honest, she's not too photogenic in some pictures) it's just her. There's something about her that makes me feel OK. And if I should succeed with her, I will know I'm dreaming.

But there's a need for me to re-examine everything. Am I obsessing over this? I haven't lost the ability to complete coursework, or alienate my friends... so I don't think I'm obsessing. I haven't done anything over the top. But am I treating this too importantly? Cat's been in my mind since late march. I've tried to stop it, but romance is a tricky thing. I feel like now that 'm outside of a relationship, I haven't reached my full potential, and I hope to meet the one who completes me. And all sources point to Cat.

But I keep finding myself chasing after other women who have barely done so much as glanced at me with a smile... So why is that? Because I'm shallow. But people have the right to be a little shallow. You can't override your programming. But you should be held to be responsible for it. I'm planning to meet and exceed my expectations for others within myself. So when I consider myself healthy, attractive, and interesting, then I will have no excuses to hold back from asking Cat out. Time to go eat breakfast and get ready for the day.